


The Pumpkin Udina

by Vorcha_Girl



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Crack, F/M, Fluff, Halloween, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-29
Updated: 2015-10-29
Packaged: 2018-04-28 18:53:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 854
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5101856
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vorcha_Girl/pseuds/Vorcha_Girl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Shepard unintentionally carves a very disturbing pumpkin.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Pumpkin Udina

_Disclaimer: I don't own Mass Effect_

**A/N: Written for the MEFFW Group Halloween Drabble Challenge! It's very silly! Enjoy!**

* * *

 

"But I don't want to carve a pumpkin," Shepard whined as Kaidan dragged her to the mess, his steely vice-like grip giving her no chance to slip away. "I hate them. They're gooey and gross and I always wind up with pumpkin seeds in my hair."

He chuckled and cast a sidelong look at her as they left the elevator. "Cortez went through a lot of trouble to procure these for us, the least you can do is come down and carve one too. Think of it as a moral building exercise! A chance for you to hang out with the crew and show them how it's done."

Alex Shepard rolled her eyes at Kaidan’s chipper attitude and grumbled under her breath as he forced her into the mess and sat her down at the table. Saying that she hated carving pumpkins was an understatement. As a child on Earth she'd always been fumble-fingered, and each year when the other kids carved out terrifying or creative pumpkins, she'd inevitably end up with a bedraggled lumpy orange  _thing_  that was more hole than pumpkin. The other kids had taken to comparing her to a butcher mutilating a body and Alex had never been able to blame them for that; her pumpkins  _did_  end up looking like a victim from a slasher movie.

"Here you go." Kaidan plonked a large orange pumpkin down in front of her and used his biotics to float his over. "Steve already hollowed them out, so they're all ready for us to cut into. What are you going to carve?"

"Uh," Alex hesitated and wriggled uncomfortably in her chair, picking up the carving tool and putting it down nervously. "I'm still thinking about it."

_Maybe if she left it long enough she could slink away unnoticed._

He narrowed his eyes. "Okay, but I'll be checking up on you."

 _Damn_.

She cast her eyes around the room; Liara and Javik were attempting to carve a pumpkin together and arguing loudly about the best technique and whether it was cheating to use biotics. James and Cortez were standing close together near their pumpkins, occasionally bumping shoulders as they worked. James' pumpkin was a terrifyingly ghoulish creation with a gaping gooey mouth and evil eyes, while Cortez's was a happy smiling jack-o-lantern with a friendly welcoming expression. Everywhere she looked people were working in pairs or alone to create awesome looking pumpkins; she would be the only one to create a sub-standard lantern. She just knew it.

Kaidan cleared his throat and nodded to her pumpkin. "Come on," he encouraged. "Get carving!"

Sighing under her breath, Alex picked up the carving tool and glared at the pumpkin, contemplating what she could do to it. She wanted to carve something amazing like a reaper or the Normandy, but she didn't have the skills. If she was honest, she would probably be pushing it just trying to carve a regular face. Grumpily she stabbed her knife into it and began to hack at it haphazardly, angrily slicing out chunks and brutally shearing off slivers. Within minutes she could tell her angry face was failing dismally, and with a few more slices the face seemed to crumple and sag inwards as she left bits of it too thin to support the top.

Instead of a frightening toothy jack-o-lantern the face that stared back was flabby and wobbly with accusatory eyes and a desperately unhappy smile. She stabbed her knife into the top of it and pushed back from her desk, crossing her arms over her chest and glaring at the face. A face, she realised with surprise, which was surprisingly familiar. She narrowed her eyes and tilted her head as she considered it. There was something so familiar about it ... .

"Whoa!" Kaidan scooted his chair next to hers and gawked at the deflated pumpkin, a small smile playing around his lips. "That looks like Udina." He guffawed and raised his voice. "Hey! Everyone! Shepard made a pumpkin Udina!"

The rest of the crew crowded around and Alex sunk low in her chair as the appraised her work.

"Oh! It  _does_  look like Udina!" Liara gushed, squeezing her shoulder.

Tali nodded enthusiastically. "Yes, you even got his nasty little eyes just right!"

"And his seedy smile," Garrus piped up.

James craned his neck and touched the knife. "Definitely Udina," he agreed. "That explains the blade in the head."

Her friends drifted back to their own pumpkins and Alex regarded her unintentional Udina with a small frown. She's tried to make a monster and instead she'd made Udina. It was almost poetic, and was definitely fitting for Halloween!

"See?" Kaidan slung an arm around her shoulders and squished her tightly, smearing her front with pumpkin goo. "I told you this would be good for moral."

Alex rolled her eyes and flicked a stringy piece of pumpkin from his hair. "You know, I wasn't  _trying_  to make Udina."

"Yeah, I know." He grinned. "But your secret is safe with me."


End file.
